


But Not to Me

by MissSunday25



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Cries During Sex, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben and Rey fuck in the throne room, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Throne Room Scene, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unsafe Sex, it is known, maybe a slow emotional burn, not TROS compliant, not a slow burn, two fucked up kids trying to make it work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:46:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSunday25/pseuds/MissSunday25
Summary: “Ben,” she sighed softly, as if it were still his name, as if Kylo himself hadn’t killed that weak and foolish boy.For the first time in years, Kylo regretted that he couldn’t be that name, not anymore. For the first time in years, he wished he could. Through the bond he could feel what she felt - her loneliness, that ache to belong. He’d told her she wasn’t alone, and he’d meant it.ORPost-throne room horniness changes everything.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 34
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Baby's first Reylo fic! I've read countless, and I know I can't even begin to compare with some of the massive talent and creativity on here. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy my little exercise in self-indulgence. Please forgive any canon errors - this fic is not beta read.

Chapter One:

The room smelled of death - the heady, sickening scent of cauterized flesh and viscera intermingled with the smoky, ozone scent of their lightsabers. Kylo Ren dispassionately regarded the bisected remains of Snoke. He’d thought, when he’d dared to think of such things, that when Snoke’s death occurred he would feel something, whether elation, relief, or even regret at losing that ever constant presence in his mind. Instead, for the first time in his life, his mind was blissfully silent. His thoughts were his own. 

Except, not exactly. 

Rey’s Force signature was positively blazing, her light incandescent. He’d often thought that if others could see her light they’d be awestruck, blinded by it. Snoke had underestimated her, but he never had. Not from the moment their minds had met. 

As if magnetized, his gaze met hers across the room. Almost simultaneously, they each extinguished their sabers, his nerveless fingers nearly dropping his to the ground. Their bond sung with shared emotions - the adrenaline rush following a fight, relief at both being alive, desire. 

Desire.

Like a predator stalking its prey, Kylo stepped toward her. She did the same, her gaze never wavering. When finally they reached the other, Kylo’s gloved hand reached behind her neck, pulling her to him. Rey’s breath hitched, a modicum of uncertainty suddenly clouding her eyes.

“Ben,” she said softly, gulping. “What -”

“I know you feel it too,” he stated, ignoring her use of that dead boy’s name. Her eyes closed as he cupped her cheek with his other hand, and she nodded. 

“Say it,” he prodded softly, gloved fingers gripping her face insistently. He knew he wasn’t wrong - her desire pulsed in the bond, fueling his own. He was hard just standing in her proximity. 

Rey’s eyes fluttered open, and she scowled obstinately. For a moment he feared she would push him away, in which case he would retreat from her. Forever, if that was her wish. Monster though he was, he wasn’t that kind. 

But then she was surging upwards, her hot mouth pressed against his. He pulled her flush against him, unable to contain a moan as his hardness pushed against her thigh. 

Rey pulled slightly back, just enough to smirk. “No, you say it,” she said breathily, pupils shot open. She pulled him back down to her, tongue tracing against his lips. With a gasp, he opened to her, mind devoid of all except her - her mouth, her taste. 

What began as exploratory quickly became frenzied, their mutual need to touch, to claim overriding all others. Through the Force, Kylo could feel the rightness of it, the inevitability of their coming together. This felt as right as fighting by her side, and much like then, they moved together in a synchronized dance - minds and bodies open to one another. 

Kylo gripped her ass, squeezing as he lifted her against him. Rey’s legs wrapped around him and they both groaned as she ground against his erection. 

Achingly hard, he lowered her to the ground. He would have her here, among the smoke and bodies, his dead master looking on with blank eyes. It was fitting, as his last beginning had also coincided with smoke and death. And it was that, a beginning. Someone had finally chosen him, something his own parents had failed to do. Their rejection, coupled with his uncle’s murderous intentions, had driven him straight to Snoke, where he’d thought, briefly, that he may finally have found the belonging he’d sought. But it wasn’t to be so. While he’d been too dark for his parents and Skywalker, his light had equally refused to be extinguished completely. It had persisted, a glimmer in the night. He’d believed he could rid himself of it permanently, but had only succeeded in splitting his soul down the middle the moment he’d gutted his father.

He pulled back slightly, eyes locking incredulously with Rey’s. Her lips were swollen with kisses and there were bite marks on her neck. He still couldn’t believe it, that she had chosen him. It made him feel something, some nameless, long dead emotion that a monster like him shouldn’t be feeling. 

“Ben,” she sighed softly, as if it were still his name, as if Kylo himself hadn’t killed that weak and foolish boy. 

For the first time in years, Kylo regretted that he couldn’t be that name, not anymore. For the first time in years, he wished he could. Through the bond he could feel what she felt - her loneliness, that ache to belong. He’d told her she wasn’t alone, and he’d meant it. 

His now gloveless fingers skated gently under the top of her waistband, and she gave a silent nod as his eyes silently sought hers for permission. With a shaking hand he explored her wet heat, reveling in the way her eyes rolled back and her lips parted. Her hand covered his, guiding him where she wanted, and it wasn’t long before she was shuddering and drawing her legs together as she came apart beneath him. 

The next moments were a blur as clothes were removed and hands explored the other. Kylo gasped, moaning as her hand closed around him and she guided him between her legs. Their eyes locked as he slid into her, bottoming out in her delicious heat. She drew in her breath, and through the bond he could feel her brief discomfort as she accommodated to him. Finally she nodded, and he began moving. 

It was the first time, for the both of them.  
The feel was indescribable, and he knew he wasn’t going to last long. A few thrusts was all it took and he was coming, orgasm ripping through him as he spilled into her. 

He tucked his head into her shoulder, catching his breath. Despite the brevity of his endurance, he found he wasn’t embarrassed. Their minds, much like their bodies, were one. And of course, there was always next time. 

Rey’s arms and legs were wrapped around him, holding him to her. He lifted his head to meet her eyes, a warm emotion coursing through him. She met his gaze, a slight smile lifting her lips as she traced a finger over the scar she’d given him. 

“Hi,” she said softly, grinning. 

“Hi,” he replied, a smile pulling on his lips for the first time in years. As they gazed at each other, tender feelings emanating through the bond, he allowed himself to hope. 

All of that came crashing down in the next moment, as Rey suddenly gasped, pulling away from him and dressing in a flurry of movement. 

“The fleet! Ben, there’s still time to save the fleet!” She stared at him expectedly, chest heaving. Kylo felt his heart drop down to his guts. Disbelievingly, he began pulling his own clothes on, unable to meet her eyes. She hadn’t chosen him at all. Even after everything they’d just shared, her “friends” - that merry band of traitors and criminals - would always come first. Had this all been just an elaborate ploy to distract him? The thought crept, unbidden, into his mind, and he found himself unable to shake it. An age old despair wrapped itself around him, threatening to choke him. 

“Ben?” Rey’s voice interrupted the dark spiral of his thoughts. He flinched away from the hand she’d placed on his arm, and her brows furrowed with concern. “Did you hear me? We need to save the fleet! Order them to stop firing!”

“No,” Kylo replied sharply. “No, you’re still holding on! Was this -” he swept his arm around, unsure whether he was indicating the dead Praetorian guards or their recent coupling. “Was this your idea? Or did my mother put you up to it?” He gritted his teeth, erecting his walls around his mind to block the feelings of hurt flooding through the bond from her. How dare she be feeling hurt?

“Of course not! The Resistance doesn’t even know I’m here! I came for you, to help you!” Tears of indignation sprung into her eyes. Kylo looked away from her. 

“To turn me, you mean.” When she doesn’t deny it, he sighed, staring at Snoke’s smoking corpse. “It’s time to let old things die. Snoke. Skywalker. The Jedi. The Sith. The Rebels. Let it all die.” 

Rey shook her head. “Ben, please.” 

It wasn’t too late, he decided. Even if this had all been a ploy to distract him, she still belonged at his side. The Force itself had deemed it so. 

Drawing in a deep breath, he held out his hand to her. “Rey, I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy. I know you feel it too - how right it is that we’re together.” 

Tears streamed down Rey’s face. “Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way.” She drew in a shuddering breath. He could feel her conflict, how badly she wanted to take his hand. 

He wanted her more than anything he’d ever wanted in his life. Nothing had ever felt as right as having her there with him. Didn’t she understand that he would burn the galaxy down for her, lay waste to worlds just to worship at her feet? Somehow, he had to make her understand. 

“You’re still holding on, Rey. Let go! Do you want to know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known? You know the truth, you’ve just hidden it away. Say it.” 

She choked back a sob. 

“Say it,” he pressed. 

“They were nobody,” she said quietly. 

“They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money. They’re dead, buried in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing.”

Rey was crying softly, avoiding his eyes. A part of him was aware of the cruelty of his words, but he had to make her understand. 

“But not to me,” he finished softly. He stepped closer. With tentative fingers he brushed the hair out of her face, using his thumb to wipe away a tear. She met his gaze, her eyes shiny. 

“Join me,” he pleaded, his own voice wavering. He held out a hand in supplication, fingers trembling slightly. He would beg if he had to. Anything to keep her - this feral desert creature who should have meant nothing, yet somehow was the key to everything. 

“Please,” he added softly. 

Rey was trembling as well, eyes shiny with unshed tears. Finally, she nodded, extending her hand. Kylo exhaled in relief, his face breaking out into a grin. Later, he would consider this moment - just this one heartbeat of a moment, really - to be one of the happiest in his life. 

But not what happened next. Because suddenly his lightsaber was flying into her outstretched hand, her face grim and determined. He acted on reflex, using the Force to pull the saber back into his own hand until it was halted mid-air by Rey’s forceful tug. The saber wavered in the air, torn between two equally matched Force users. Then it exploded, the heat and sensation of being knocked back the last thing Kylo was aware of. 

The hours that followed upon coming to - and subsequently declaring himself Supreme Leader - were a blur of rage and darkness. Rey had betrayed him, had abandoned him to die in a failing ship. He pushed aside all feelings of hurt and grief, instead letting the darkness bathe him in its seductive blackness. 

“I will destroy her,” he vowed to Skywalker, and in that moment, he meant it. It wasn’t until much later, when the Force bond opened to reveal Rey standing in front of him, that the weight of what he’d lost brought him to his knees. The dice from the Falcon clutched in his hands, they stared at each other wordlessly. Her mouth opened slightly, as though to say something.

“Rey,” he pleaded. What exactly he was pleading for, he had no idea. Rey’s eyes, so soft when they’d joined earlier, were now hard, unforgiving. 

“No,” she said harshly. And the bond snapped shut. Kylo gasped as the dice in his hands disappeared as well. 

Another illusion.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Force once again plays matchmaker and our horny space kids have a talk.

Chapter Two:

The Force connected them frequently over the next several weeks. Although Rey was steadfast in blocking him out during her waking hours, her time spent sleeping was apparently another story. Kylo would be in his quarters each evening when the familiar tunnel-like sound would alert him to the connection opening. 

The first time it’d happened he’d been prepared for a fight - for accusations and assumptions thrown at him like daggers. It had taken him a moment to realize that she was asleep, curled up on her side on what appeared to be his bed. And though they were likely on different sides of the galaxy, it was easy to pretend that she’d taken his hand and was actually in his bed sleeping. Kylo stared unabashedly at her still form. Her face was peaceful in sleep - such a contrast to the last time he’d seen her. 

He expected her to wake up at any moment, yell at him, and close the connection. But she didn’t wake, not even when he gently placed a hand on her forehead, curious as to what she dreamed. He jerked his hand back before he could view anything, suddenly uneasy about betraying her trust in that way. Although she’d certainly have no qualms about doing it to him, he found that he couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry,” he’d whispered, backing away from her. After that he’d kept plenty of distance between them, staying across the room on his data pad. He wasn’t sure exactly when the connection had closed, only that at some point she was no longer there when he looked up. 

This happened for several weeks, always when Rey was sleeping. Once, he’d woken up to find her beside him. He held his breath, afraid to move and wake her up. She was especially restless tonight, tossing and turning in her sleep and making small whimpering sounds. Through their bond he could feel her terror - she was having a nightmare. Having much personal experience in nightmares (although they’d dwindled considerably following Snoke’s demise), he couldn’t allow her to suffer. 

“Rey,” he said loudly, gently shaking her shoulder. “You’re having a nightmare, you need to wake up.” 

Rey gasped, her eyes shooting open. “Ben? What - why are you here?” Her fingers clenched and unclenched around the blanket. Hazel eyes, still blurred from sleep, were fixed on him trustingly. Half-asleep, she appeared to have forgotten that she hated him. At least for the moment. 

“The bond,” he said hoarsely. “It’s been opening while you’re sleeping.”

“For how long?”

“A few weeks, maybe.” 

She sat up, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. “And you just now thought to wake me up? What, did you just sit there watching me? Did you go into my mind to get information about the Resistance?”

Kylo gritted his teeth, attempting to remain calm. “No, I haven’t entered your mind. Your precious Resistance is safe. Believe me, I have bigger things on my mind than a dozen or so rebels.” 

Rey chuckled darkly. “Right, how could I forget. I suppose congratulations are in order, Supreme Leader.” After a moment, she added quietly, “was it worth it? Choosing the First Order over -”

Over me. The words hung, unspoken, between them. 

“And what about you, Rey? You had the chance to make something new with me, something that could really make a difference in the galaxy.”

“Through tyranny and oppression? That’s not me, Ben. And it’s not you, either. I thought. I thought wrong, obviously,” she finished softly, not meeting his eyes. 

Tentatively, he cupped her chin with a hand, facing her to him. “It doesn’t have to be that way! Rey. We believe in the same things. The way it was under Snoke...that’s not what I want. Obliterating systems, enslaving children, those things are senseless. Wasteful. Together, we could bring peace and order to the galaxy.”

Rey shook her head. “No one person - or two people - should hold that much power. You saw how I grew up. A few people hoard all the resources while everyone else starves.” 

“So you think democracy is the answer?” he pressed. “Arguing and voting, never getting anything done?”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “I don’t know much about politics, but I do believe everyone should have a voice. I never did.”

“Well, now’s your chance!” His grip on her face inadvertently tightened, causing her to flinch and back out of his grasp. 

“No,” she said firmly, sadly. “Ben, you tried to kill us! You nearly shot us down.” A slight tremble to her voice betrayed her sudden onslaught of emotion. 

“Well, you left me for dead!”

“I didn’t!” A single tear tracked down her face. “I wanted you to come with me. I wanted it so much. I thought...it was what I’d seen. When our hands touched. But what could I do? I didn’t want to leave you, but you gave me no choice. I made sure you were alive before I left,” she finished quietly.

“How did you think it would go, Rey? I’d go back to the Resistance with you? Be executed or spend the rest of my life imprisoned?” 

“No,” she said firmly. “I wouldn’t let them. Your mother wouldn’t let them, either. I meant what I said before - I’ll help you.” 

Kylo shook his head. “Don’t be naive. I know what I’ve done. The only justice for me is death. My mother,” he cleared his throat as his voice cracked slightly. “I murdered her husband. My father. In case you’ve forgotten.”

“I haven’t. I was there. And because I was there...Ben, he forgave you. The moment it happened, maybe even before. I felt it. He still loved you.”

Kylo sprung out of bed, unable to keep from pacing. This was too much - he couldn’t, he wouldn’t have this conversation. Especially not with her. 

“Enough,” he said hoarsely, swallowing thickly. “Please stop.” He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t bear to feel her compassion humming through the bond. Compassion he certainly didn’t deserve. 

Playing back her words from a few moments ago in his head (you nearly shot us down!), he felt his stomach drop as he came to a sickening realization. 

“Rey. Please tell me you weren’t on that ship.” He nearly fell to his knees beside the bed, waiting for the answer that he already knew was coming. 

“Of course I was! Along with your mother and Chewie, if that means anything to you.” Rey’s accusatory gaze met his. 

Kylo closed his eyes, fighting back the urge to switch on his saber and lay waste to his quarters. “I didn’t know,” he managed tightly, reaching for her hand. The contact, however simple, was reassuring. She was solid and real, alive somewhere in the galaxy. Safe from monsters such as himself. 

“I would never have given that order if I’d known you were on the ship.” For some reason he felt the need to keep talking, to explain himself. “I would never hurt you, you know that.” With his free hand, he pushed a strand of hair out of her face.

Rey flinched away, releasing her grip on his hand. “Do I? You don’t think it would hurt me to see my friends murdered?” she asked sharply, eyes flashing angrily. “Not to mention your mother, Ben!” 

“Don’t talk about my mother to me, Rey. You have no idea what it was like - everything was more important to her than I was. She was never a mother to me,” he added bitterly. 

No matter how many years had passed, that truth never failed to hurt. He’d been an inconvenience for his parents - something that got in the way of Leia’s political ambitions and Han’s need for freedom - a fact that Snoke was always quick to point out. _They regret having you_ , he’d whispered once, to a six year old Ben Solo. _You know it’s true, dear boy. See how they look at you, how they whisper about you when they think you’re asleep. They’re both so desperate to get away from you. That’s why they leave you all the time._ When he’d cried, Snoke had comforted him, pointing out that he’d always have him, that at least he would never leave. 

“At least you had parents,” Rey said softly, smiling sadly. “Even if they made mistakes…”

“Mistakes,” he whispered sardonically under his breath, ready for the conversation to be over. Rey apparently had the same idea - sighing and looking away to signify the topic’s end. He studied her for a moment, noting the dark circles blooming under her eyes like bruises. She looked pale as well, her freckles standing out in stark contrast to her uncharacteristic pallor. Kylo felt a new surge of anger toward Leia for failing to take care of her. 

Rey turned toward him, hazel eyes seeking his. He couldn’t help the way his gaze strayed toward her lips, remembering vividly how they’d felt on his, how they’d parted slightly to moan as she came. Before he could think better of it, he surged toward her, lips hungrily closing over hers. Rey responded immediately, making a contented sound in her throat that went straight to his cock. 

“Rey,” he said reverently, desperately. He placed his hand on the small of her back, pulling her onto his lap. For an incredible moment she responded, throwing herself into the kiss with a fervor to match his own. But as with all good things in his life, it came to an abrupt end. 

“No!” Rey said suddenly, using his shoulders for purchase to push herself away from him. She wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand as though she could scrub herself free of him, then studiously looked anywhere but at him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked dumbly, shifting to more comfortably arrange his raging erection against his thigh. 

She shook her head. “I can’t do this. It’s wrong. I’m betraying everyone I care about.” Something must have shown on his face, for she winced a moment later. 

“I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine,” he said flatly. “I know exactly what you meant.” 

He shut the bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who has left comments, kudos, or subscribed! And if you haven't done those things, but are still reading my little self-indulgent fic, thank you too!
> 
> I will try to update every Friday, the operative word being try.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we'll see what Rey's been up to.

Chapter Three 

If the days on Ajan Kloss were unbearably hot and sticky, the nights were even more so. Rey may have been used to the dry heat of the desert, but she was not used to feeling as though her clothes were always wet, or being covered in a sheen of sweat the moment she stepped out of the fresher. At least the nights on Jakku had provided some relief - desert nights were cool, cold even. After a day of boiling heat as she rummaged through the corpses of old star destroyers, the cold was a welcome respite. 

Rey had always struggled to fall asleep ( _you picture an ocean…_ ) but now the muggy heat made it damn near impossible. And knowing that the Force had been connecting her to Ben while she slept made her never want to sleep again. It didn’t matter what he said, or what promises he made - she would never let down her guard around him again. 

She could not afford to make the same mistake twice. 

Rey spun and parried with her lightsaber, deflecting bolt after bolt that the training droid fired at her. She leapt through the air, using the Force to propel herself through the obstacle course, grunting when she landed hard and rolled. Finally reaching the end of the training course, she doubled over with her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. 

“Rey.” 

Leia held out a canteen of water, which Rey eagerly accepted. She drank greedily, still amazed at the luxury of having water available whenever she wanted it. 

“You’re pushing yourself too hard, Rey,” Leia said after a moment. “We need you in one piece.” 

Rey wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, squinting against the sun as she considered her mentor. She wondered what Leia would think of her if she knew the truth about her and Ben. Especially what they’d done on the Supremacy. Rey felt her cheeks burn as she recalled how shamelessly she’d gone on her back for him, right before he betrayed her. Would Leia hate her, consider her a traitor? She supposed it would be complicated, being her son and all. 

“Something’s troubling you,” Leia said, frowning slightly. “What is it?” 

Rey shook her head, attempting to smile. “I’m really fine, General -”

“-Leia.”

“Leia,” Rey continued. “I’m just not used to this kind of heat. I haven’t been sleeping well.” 

It was the truth - from a certain point of view. Leia sighed, clearly not accepting her explanation, but not wanting to push her any harder. She placed a hand on Rey’s forearm, squeezing it lightly. 

“Well, I’m here if you ever want to talk. I…” she trailed off, eyes taking on a faraway look for a moment. “I wasn’t there for my son, when he needed me. It’s my greatest regret in life.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Rey said vehemently. “He made his choices. I know you were a good mother.”

“That’s kind of you, Rey, but it’s something I accepted a long time ago.” She smiled sadly. “I won’t make the same mistake with you. You’re important, and not just because of what you can do. I want you to know that. You’re not alone.”

Rey’s vision blurred as tears sprung to her eyes. Hearing Ben’s words echoed back to her from his own mother - it was too much. 

“Rey?” Leia asked, concern evident in her voice. “What is it?”

Rey sniffled, cursing her inability to keep it together. “I’m sorry.” She fought for a moment to compose herself. “There is something,” she finally said. “But…”

Leia held up a hand. “Tell me when you’re ready, okay?” 

Wordlessly, Leia pulled her in for an embrace. Rey closed her eyes, allowing herself - for a moment - to feel as though she belonged. 

**   
Rey was in her quarters when the bond opened again, revealing Ben - for he was Ben, and she’d only refer to him as Ben - towelling off his hair, apparently having just stepped out of the shower. And he was naked. 

Immediately, she covered her eyes, turning around. “Kriff!” she swore, reddening. “Sorry.” 

“Nothing you haven’t seen before,” he said in a low voice. “You can look if you want.”

“Put some clothes on!” she demanded sharply. 

“What if I don’t?” he pressed. “I have every right to be naked in my own quarters.” When this statement apparently failed to get a reaction out of her, she heard him sigh. “Just a minute.” 

She heard drawers being opened, followed by the rustling of fabric. “You can look now.” 

She turned around. In sleep pants and a faded grey sweatshirt he looked so normal. So Ben. The Ben who’d told her she wasn’t alone, the Ben whose eyes she’d met across a red room full of smoke and ash. 

“Better?” 

Rey swallowed a lump in her throat. “Yes. Thank you.” 

“What time is it, where you are?” he asked conversationally, as if they weren’t technically enemies; enemies who sometimes appeared across the galaxy to one another.

Rey rolled her eyes. “Like I’d tell you. Nice try, though.” 

He shrugged, reminding her painfully of Han for a moment. “It’s not as though I could narrow down your location from that information alone. Besides, I told you that hunting down a few rebels isn’t on my list of priorities.” 

“Right. You reserve that honor for me, then? I’m aware of the bounty you’ve placed on me, Ben. Thanks for that.” 

“It specifies you’re to be taken alive. Other than me, who could capture you?”

“And that makes it better?” It had been yet another betrayal on top of a betrayal, and proved once again, how stupid she’d been to ever believe in him. 

“I had no choice. You forced my hand when you left me, unconscious, in a room full of bodies. How would it look if I didn’t go after the murderer of the former Supreme Leader?” He took a step toward her, dark eyes locking with hers. “It’s politics, Rey.”

“Well, there wouldn’t have been a need for it if you’d just come with me in the first place!” she said sharply, unwilling to concede that his explanation did make sense. 

“And if you’d accepted my offer, there wouldn’t have been a need either!” 

They glared at each other for a moment in a sort of stare-off. Finally, Ben sighed, slumping a bit. 

“Are you...are you okay?” he mumbled, nearly imperceptible. 

Rey frowned. “What? Why do you ask?”

“You seem tired. And I know that Leia can be so focused on the big picture that she loses sight of everything else. I just wanted to make sure you were being taken care of.” His gaze was intense, sincere. Rey forced herself to look away. 

“I can take care of myself. I always have.” Despite herself, Rey felt a rush of warmth from his concern. She gave a small smile. “Don’t worry about me.” 

“I’ll always worry about you.” 

Rey shivered as he took her hand, and bringing it to his mouth, kissed her knuckles. Unable to stop herself, she stepped closer to him. 

“How about you?” she asked quietly, looking down at their entwined fingers. “Is it what you thought it would be? Being Supreme Leader?”

“No,” he admitted. “I never intended to do this job alone. He gave her a meaningful look, and she sighed.

“Maybe check with me first, next time,” she said sardonically. To her surprise, he chuckled softly. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, just as the bond snapped shut. 

**

Rey woke with a start, gasping. Though the details sometimes varied, the dream remained essentially the same - Snoke would tear into her mind, sending jolt after jolt of Force lightning through her body. The torture had been seemingly endless, going on for what felt like hours. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part had been when Snoke had ordered Ben to kill her, much as he had back on the Supremacy. Only this time he'd done it. 

Every time was the same - the pain as he ran her through with his saber, the smell of her own cauterized flesh. But the look on Ben’s face was the worst part - eyes that were cold, devoid of any humanity. In her dreams she’d lived that ultimate betrayal again and again. 

The dream still fresh in her mind, she inhaled sharply, paralyzed by fear as she realized Ben was next to her, hands clutching her arms. He regarded her in horror. 

“I saw your dream,” he whispered shakily, pulling her into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”

Rey closed her eyes, sighing against his shoulder. “It’s not your fault.”

“Seeing it was so…”

“I know.” And because it needed to be said, she added, “it’s just a dream. It doesn’t mean anything. You saved me, remember?” 

“He hurt you,” Ben said angrily, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “For that, I wish I could bring him back just to kill him again.”

“He hurt you too, Ben,” Rey said softly, bringing up a hand to stroke the side of his face. He looked away. “I don’t think you even know how much.” 

“Stop,” he said in a choked voice. Then he pulled her in and kissed her.

Unlike last time, she let him, returning the kiss with a fervor she hadn’t known she was capable of. She knew it was wrong, but Rey had never been good at denying herself. This was why she ate each meal as though it would be snatched away from her at any moment - in her experience, it would be. Of the same vein, why should she deny herself something that felt so good? 

Ben lowered her down to the bed, his lips greedily latching onto whatever skin was available - her neck, her collarbones. Her head rolled back and a moan escaped her as he pushed her shirt up, his tongue laving around her nipples. 

She helped Ben pull her remaining clothes off, feeling momentarily self-conscious as he regarded her naked body with dark eyes, still fully clothed himself. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, planting a kiss on her hip bone. He kissed his way lower and lower, his hot breath ghosting over her inner thighs as he spread her legs. 

Rey lifted her head to look at him. “What are you -” she cut off with a gasp as he kissed her there. He licked and sucked, adding one finger, then two. Through the bond she could feel what he felt, and was stunned to realize that he _liked_ doing this for her. 

“Ben,” she moaned helplessly as her orgasm was pulled from her. He continued his ministrations throughout, finally stopping when she flinched from oversensitivity. He rested his head on her belly, looking almost smug with his lips shiny. Shiny from her, she realized with some embarrassment. 

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” Rey said once she’d recovered, pushing his pants down past his hips and allowing his cock to spring free. Placing a hand on his chest, she pushed him to his back and straddled him. He gasped, a guttural sound escaping his throat as she lowered herself down on him. Rey gave herself a minute to adjust to the feeling of once again being so full, then began moving up and down, gripping his shoulders for purchase. 

Ben surged upwards, his mouth seeking hers. 

“You’re so good at this,” he said against her lips after a moment, earning a laugh from Rey. 

He gripped her hips, his movements starting to become erratic as he thrust. He whispered her name reverently as he came, pulling her down to him. It was then she noticed that his face was wet with tears, which she didn’t comment on. She sighed, lowering her head to his broad chest. They stayed that way until the bond fizzled out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! It really means a lot. I have 28 chapters outlined currently, but that is subject to change. I also hope to continue adhering to a Friday posting schedule, but with a job, grad school, and two very small kids, that is also subject to change.
> 
> See you next Friday!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a chat with Force ghost!Luke; Ben's childhood trauma.

Chapter Four

Kylo immediately felt the loss of Rey’s presence as the bond fizzled shut, her warmth replaced by the chilled, artificial air of his quarters. It was jarring, having her there one moment and then ripped away the next. She should be there with him, not on some force-forsaken planet still scrambling for resources. He’d seen what her life had been as a scavenger on Jakku - yet she chose a life of continued struggle rather than one that ensured she’d never again do without. He’d offered her the galaxy on a silver platter and she’d rejected it, rejected him. 

Yet she continued to believe in him, in the lie that he could be Ben Solo again. And it was a lie, it had to be. Otherwise, what had it all been for? Everything he’d done, all the blood on his hands - it couldn’t be for nothing. Han’s death couldn’t be for nothing. 

He’d never felt the Light pulling at him more strongly than it did now. The conflict was tearing him apart. It always had - always he’d been too Dark, too much for his parents. Even as a child he’d known it, known that the raised voices, his father’s rush to get away, it was all due to him. He was too much with his nightmares, with the ever-present voice of Snoke twisting his perceptions, making him sullen and withdrawn. 

By the same token he’d also failed to extinguish the Light in himself. Killing Han was supposed to have been the solution, but it had only served to further his conflict. Then meeting Rey...or maybe meeting was the wrong word. It had felt like coming home when his mind had brushed against hers, like somehow she’d always been a part of him. He’d never forget the way the snow had stuck to her hair on Starkiller, her eyes filled with righteous fury as she’d stood over him. She had fascinated him. 

Kylo was interrupted from his thoughts by the unmistakable sound of someone clearing their throat. His head jerked up, blood running cold. _Skywalker_. Uncaring of his current state of undress, he rolled off the bed, brandishing his lightsaber. 

“Get. Out,” Kylo spat, jabbing his saber threateningly at the force ghost. 

“Good to see you too, Ben,” he said, nonplussed. “I told you I’d see you around.” He smirked knowingly at Kylo, raising an eyebrow. “I seem to have come at a bad time. Sorry about that.”

“Anytime you’re here is a bad time,” Kylo ground out through gritted teeth.

Luke chuckled, appearing to gaze around Kylo’s quarters. “Ouch.” He sighed. “I suppose I deserve that.” 

Kylo didn’t comment, instead taking a moment while Luke was distracted to tug on a pair of sleep pants. It was difficult to feel very imposing while standing naked in front of his uncle, he’d discovered. Not that he cared what Luke thought of him anymore.   
Luke wandered aimlessly around his quarters, stopping ever so often to touch or hmm under his breath at Kylo’s belongings. 

“So, is this how it’s gonna be? You’re just going to pop in and torment me for the rest of my life? Is this my _punishment_ , Uncle?” 

Luke shrugged, stopping in front of where Darth Vader’s helmet is displayed and regarding it dispassionately. “I did try and warn you, Ben, to be fair.”

“Right, when you made a fool of me in front of everyone. I bet you enjoyed that, didn’t you?” Kylo hated the way his voice cracked at the question. He felt small, adolescent. Nothing like the Supreme Leader of the galaxy. 

Luke smiled sadly. “No, I didn’t enjoy it at all. And I know you won’t believe me, but the point was never to make a fool of you. It was to stop you from doing something you’d regret for the rest of your life.”

Kylo chuckled darkly. “Killing you? Believe me, I would never have regretted that.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But your mother, _Rey_ ,” he gave Kylo a pointed look. “I think you would have regretted that. And I don’t think you could have ever come back from it.” 

“ _Don’t talk about her_!” he spat, his lightsaber humming to life as he ignited it. 

“It’s really strong these days, isn’t it?” Luke continued, ignoring Kylo’s sudden display of aggression. “The call to the Light,” he clarified. “The conflict must be tearing you apart.”

“And how would you know? You know _nothing_ about the Dark Side, nothing of conflict!”

“Don’t I?” he said softly, wordlessly regarding Darth Vader’s misshapen helmet. “I know more than you think, more than I ever told you. And I should have told you, Ben. I should have pushed more, figured out what was going on with you. I tried to treat you like any other student, but that wasn’t what you needed. I should have told you it was never too late.”

“But it was, wasn’t it?” Kylo said, his voice shaking with emotion. “You knew it was. That’s why…” he trailed off, unable to finish. 

“No,” Luke said quickly. “No, Ben. It was never too late. It still isn’t.”

Kylo closed his eyes, desperately fending off the sudden onslaught of emotions. “How can you say that? When I’ve -” He couldn’t say it, couldn’t even think about his father and the look of love in his eyes as he’d caressed his son’s cheek with a calloused hand, right as Kylo’s saber burst through his back.   
“No one is ever really gone,” Luke continued. He traced a blue-tinged finger over Darth Vader’s helmet. “I believed that about my father, and I believe it about you. One day you might even forgive me for my moment of weakness, for failing you.”

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Kylo whispered hoarsely, watching as Luke’s presence began to dim slightly. 

Luke shrugged. “We’ll see. Either way, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

“Great.”

Luke grinned. “Give my regards to Rey, would you? Let her know there’s no hard feelings. She’s a better Jedi than I ever was.”

“Fuck off,” Kylo muttered. “I’m not talking about her with you.”

Luke held up a hand. “Fine, fine. I’ll tell her myself, then. I’ll try not to give you too hard of a time. Your dad thinks it’s great, by the way.”

“Stop.”

“See you later, kid.” With that, Luke’s presence winked out. 

**  
 _Ben Solo was five years old when his Uncle Luke came to babysit him. Ben didn’t normally have a babysitter, unless one counted droids, which his mother didn’t, anymore. Droids had been just fine up until a few months ago, when he’d been attacked by a malfunctioning kitchen droid. Ben’s mom and dad had fought so loudly that night - even with his hands covering his ears and his head under his pillow he could hear them. Hearing them fight made his stomach hurt - sometimes it even made him cry. The Voice always told him it was because of him that they were fighting, which made him feel even worse. His dad had left that night without telling him bye - The Voice said he was upset with Ben for causing so much trouble. He hadn’t meant to cause trouble or make his parents fight, but he always seemed to._

_The Voice was his friend, but he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone else about him. He was a secret friend. Ben wished he had a real friend, a friend like the girl he sometimes dreamed about. The girl was lonely like he was, and she also wished for a friend. The dreams about the girl were good ones, not like the scary ones where he wore a mask and hurt people. Those dreams made him wake up screaming, and if his parents were home he would crawl in bed with them._

_The Voice didn’t like Uncle Luke for some reason, and told Ben he shouldn’t like him either. But Ben didn’t listen to everything The Voice told him, because in this case, he was wrong. His Uncle Luke was so nice - he would sit and listen to everything Ben told him and would talk to him like he was a grownup, not the way some adults talked to him like he was a baby or something. Because he was not a baby, he was five years old and his dad had let him steer the Falcon. A baby would not have been allowed to steer the Falcon._

_Even though he loved Uncle Luke, Ben was still sad that his parents were leaving again. He blinked back tears as he watched his dad pack from his vantage point on his parents’ bed. He was determined not to cry - only babies cried. The Voice had said so._

_“I want to go with you,” he told his dad, attempting to keep from sounding whiny. “I’ll be so good - I won’t bother you or Uncle Chewie.”_

_Han sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I know you would, buddy. But where we’re going, it’s not for kids. Your mom would kill me.”_

_“I promise I won’t tell her.”_

_Han laughed at that, sitting on the bed beside Ben. “Believe me, kid, she would find out anyway. There’s no keeping things from your mom. But I promise you can come with me next time.”_

_“That’s what you said last time!” Ben cried, frustrated._

_Han blinked. “I did?”_

_“Yes! You said ‘next time’ and now it is next time!”_

_“Huh. Well, if you say so, kid. Unfortunately I’ll have to take a rain check. Some things came up.” Han ruffled Ben’s hair. Ben scowled and attempted to smooth it back down - he hated when people messed with his hair._

_“But hey, cheer up! You are going to have so much fun with your Uncle Luke - he’s a Jedi, you know.”_

_“I know,” Ben said sullenly. “But I want to go with you.” No longer able to hold his tears back, he began crying in earnest, latching onto Han’s arm._

_“Please, Dad. I wanna come. You promised I could come, and you can’t break a promise.” It was suddenly as if the floodgates had opened and he couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop the sobs and hiccups from convulsing his body._

_“Kriff, kid,” Han muttered, awkwardly patting his back. “You sure know how to make a guy feel bad. I’ll tell you what - as soon as I get back, we’ll go on a trip together, just you and me.”_

_Ben sniffled, wiping his nose across his sleeve. “In the Falcon?”_

_Han chuckled. “What else? I’ll let you steer and everything.”_

_Later, The Voice would tell him to not believe his father, that he was lying so Ben would leave him alone. But at the time, Ben felt excitement bloom in his chest at the prospect of taking a trip with his dad. And getting to steer! Being a pilot was all he wanted. Just like his dad._

_Ben did like seeing his Uncle Luke, though. He hadn’t seen him in a very long time, back when he was four. Luke sat with him at the kitchen table and helped him with his calligraphy, patiently demonstrating each stroke of the brush to form the letters in Aurebesh._

_“You’re doing great, Ben,” Luke said encouragingly._

_Ben beamed. His parents were always too busy to practice calligraphy with him, but Uncle Luke had agreed immediately. As hungry for adult attention as Ben Solo was, he flourished under it._

_“Ben, I wanted to ask you something very important,” Luke said after a moment. “You’re not in trouble,” he added quickly, perhaps seeing the look on his nephew’s face._

_“Okay,” Ben said quietly. Had his parents told Uncle Luke what had happened a week ago, when he’d broken his bedroom window upon waking up from a nightmare? He hadn’t meant to, and his parents hadn’t really seemed mad. Just scared, like he was._

_“Your mom said your nightmares are getting worse. Is that true?”_

_Ben nodded, looking down. “Yes,” he whispered hoarsely, unable to keep his voice from shaking. His heart raced - he knew he was in trouble, no matter what his uncle said. That was just something grownups said to get kids to tell the truth. He sniffled as a tear tracked down his face._

_“I didn’t mean to break the window. It was an accident.”_

_“Oh, Ben, no one cares about the window. All we care about is you.” He squeezed Ben’s shoulder affectionately. “I’m going to show you something called meditation. I want you to do it every night before you go to bed. Can you do that for me?”_

_Ben nodded. He would do anything for his Uncle Luke._

_It turned out meditation was super boring - also, The Voice kept whispering to him while he was trying to meditate. But he tried his best. And maybe it had helped, because that night he dreamed about the girl._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby Ben makes me so sad :( Sorry for the lack of Reylo in this chapter, I promise I'll make it up to you! Also, I'm aware that Rey hasn't even been born yet in the flashback, as Ben is 10 years older per canon. But, you know, Force visions and all. And dyads. 
> 
> Sorry it's a couple days late! I blame Halloween.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Leia have a heart-to-heart, and the Force finally gives our kids some alone time.

The Force didn’t connect them for weeks, frustratingly enough. Or at least not when she was awake and could remember it. Rey suspected that it sometimes connected them in her sleep, as her dreams were often tinged with impressions of him. Or maybe that was just what was on her mind. 

It was hard to look Leia in the eyes, not to mention other Resistance members like Finn and Poe, who’d both been injured by Kylo Ren. Not by Ben, she told herself. It was easier to live with if she told herself they were two separate people, even as she knew it was a lie. However, Rey had always been good at lying to herself. It’s what had kept her all those years on Jakku, after all. 

Her first tryst with Ben on the Supremacy could be explained away as a one-time bout of poor judgement, however that same thinking could not be applied to the second. She was betraying the Resistance - literally sleeping with the enemy. And she’d likely be doing it again. 

Leia suspected something, she knew. It was on her face, the way her eyes would linger a little too long, too knowingly, over Rey. Sometimes she’d open her mouth, as if to say something, but then would apparently think better of it. Rey didn’t know what she’d do if she ever did voice her suspicions. 

News on the First Order remained sporadic, but Ben seemed to be making good on not pursuing them. Their news reported by their contacts was overwhelmingly positive - the First Order was extending aid to poor planets in the Outer Rim, and had taken a hard stance against organized crime such as the Hutts. However, according to their contact from within the First Order (Rey had briefly entertained the idea it was Ben, but this did not appear to be the case), all was not entirely well within. The new Supreme Leader was constantly being undermined - often outside of his awareness. Their contact reported that he, along with other members of senior leadership, were waiting for the perfect opportunity to oust him. It had taken everything she had to keep her expression closed-off and neutral when this was revealed. Through the Force she’d felt Leia’s pain as Poe had gleefully gone on about how this could be achieved, so it was unsurprising when the General had suddenly risen to her feet and excused herself. 

Rey felt sick to her stomach - whether from the topic at hand or from the bug she’d had lately and couldn’t seem to shake off - so she similarly excused herself and raced out of the room. She managed to make it to the closest ‘fresher before she vomited up her lunch. Once her stomach had stopped heaving she’d rinsed her mouth and splashed water over her face. She gave herself a cursory glance in the mirror, frowning at her unusual pallor and the sharpness of her cheekbones. Regular meals had seemed to undo some of the damage that starvation had wrought on her body - developing a healthy padding over formerly jutting bones for the first time in her memory, even having a regular cycle - but recent sickness was seemingly undoing all her progress. Rey supposed she should see a medical droid if her symptoms persisted. 

It had to be the Force that pushed her to Leia’s quarters. Although Leia had told her many times to come by whenever she needed to talk, so far she hadn’t taken her up on it - particularly with all she had to hide regarding Leia’s son. But now, somehow she needed to be with the one other person on the base who could possibly understand Rey’s dilemma - not that she planned on sharing it with her. 

“Come in, Rey,” Leia called, after Rey lightly rapped on the door. Rey stepped inside, feeling suddenly uncomfortable standing in her presence. Leia was seated at her desk, a holopad in her hand. She smiled at Rey, gesturing for her to sit down. 

“General Organa, I -”

“Call me Leia, Rey.”

“Leia,” she corrected. “I just…” Rey trailed off. She just what? Feels guilty for sleeping with her mentor’s son? The same son who is their enemy, who the Resistance is trying to destroy? 

“Do you have something you need to get off your chest, Rey?” Leia asked gently. She set the holopad down, and Rey couldn’t help but peak at the picture Leia had apparently been looking at with that sad look on her face - a picture of a dark-haired little boy, no older than six or seven, his face uncharacteristically solemn for a child so young. 

“My son,” Leia said simply, catching Rey’s eyes. Rey looked away.

“What was he like?” Rey asked quietly. 

“He was…” Leia closed her eyes and sighed deeply, as if by envisioning him she could wish back the son she’d lost. She opened her eyes, smiling faintly. “He was sweet, gentle. So eager to please. But there was also a darkness - I felt it, even when I was pregnant with him. This brilliant light streaked with darkness. Now I know that darkness was Snoke, but at the time I thought it was Ben. He’d have these horrific nightmares, wake up screaming and screaming. Nothing helped - Han and I were fighting all the time - I found myself working more and more, just so I could feel useful again. I couldn’t help my son, but I could help the galaxy. Or so I thought.” Leia sighed sadly. “If I could do it again, I’d choose him every time. And I’d never send him away.” 

“Then why did you?” Rey asked before she could stop herself. “Sorry,” she added quickly. “It’s none of my business.”

“Believe me, I ask myself that question every day. I told myself it was right, that it was what was best for Ben. Luke was the Jedi, he’d be able to help him. But -” Leia’s voice cracked. “I’ll never forget the look on his face that day, when we left him there. It haunts me.” She closed her eyes, a single tear tracking down her face. “I lost him forever that day.” 

They sat in a heavy silence for a few moments, during which time Leia appeared to reign in her emotions. She gave Rey a meaningful look. “What is it between you and my son, Rey?” she asked bluntly. 

“What do you mean?” Rey sputtered, looking down and nervously picking at a hangnail. 

Leia smiled indulgently. “I may not have the Force the way Luke did, but I’ve always been able to feel my son. I feel his...presence with you, somehow. Like he’s here but he’s not. And I know you went to him on the Supremacy. Chewie told me.”

Rey felt her eyes swell up as tears blurred her vision. “I’m sorry,” she managed to choke out, her voice shaking. “I should have told you.”

“You’re telling me now.” Leia said, waiting patiently as Rey attempted to compose herself. 

“We have a Force bond. Snoke said he did it, but when the Force kept connecting us even after Snoke’s death, I knew that couldn’t be true. It started happening on Ahch-To.”

As if the floodgates had been opened, Rey confessed everything (well, almost everything - there was no reason certain...details couldn’t be omitted to his mother). How she’d called him a monster, a snake, but he’d patiently listened as she described her failure in the mirror cave. How he’d told her she wasn’t alone and she’d believed him, told him he wasn’t either - the vision when their hands touched, of a future side-by-side in the Light, and her disillusionment when this reality had failed to materialize once she’d gone to him. Leia said nothing the whole time Rey spoke, although she flinched visibly when Rey told her of Luke’s contribution to Ben’s fall to the Dark. It was obvious this was the first time she’d been told, and she appeared stricken. 

“And now,” Rey continued. “The Force is still connecting us for some reason. But I swear to you, I would never reveal anything to put the Resistance at risk. I’ll leave if you want me to.” She swallowed down a lump in her throat.

“How is he?” Leia asked huskily, seemingly unconcerned with any potential duplicity on Rey’s part. “Is he taking care of himself? Eating, not training too hard?”

“I think so,” she answered honestly. “Physically, he’s fine. Probably better, now that Snoke’s not around torturing him. But emotionally, mentally? Not so great. It’s the conflict - it’s tearing him apart. He thinks there’s no coming back from the things he’s done.”

“But he wants to?” Leia asked, unable to disguise the naked longing in her voice. 

Rey nodded. “I think so, yes.”

Leia sighed shakily, then reached across the table and took Rey’s hands. “Rey, thank you. For caring about him. For giving me hope for the first time in years. Can you pass along a message from me?”

“Of course.” 

“When you see my son again, tell him to come home.” 

*******

Rey felt him that night as she drowsily came out of a deep sleep. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep and miss dinner, but fatigue and the low-grade nausea she’d been experiencing lately had caused her to seek out relief by laying down. She’d meant to only rest for a few minutes, but the next thing she knew she was waking up, and Ben was beside her. 

She had no idea if it was night where he was, but he was laying on his side facing her. His eyes were closed, and judging by his deep, even breaths, he was asleep. His face looked so much younger in sleep - at peace in a way that eluded him during wakefulness. Even in the dim light she could make out the dark circles under his eyes, an exhaustion that mirrored her own. 

“Is it worth it, Ben?” Rey asked him quietly, not expecting an answer. There likely wasn’t one that would satisfy her anyway - or one she wanted to hear. He’d chosen power over her, over what they could have, and it still hurt. 

But she also knew she couldn’t abandon him, not like everyone else had. She knew all too well what it felt like to be cast aside. She still believed in the vision the Force had presented to her, still believed it would come to fruition. It just wasn’t time yet, but it would happen. She just had to wait. 

And if there was one thing Rey of Jakku was good at, it was waiting. 

“Rey?” Ben mumbled sleepily.

“Yes, it’s me,” she replied soothingly, brushing a strand of hair out of his face. He pulled her flush against him, as if he could keep her there by the force of his will. 

“Missed you,” he whispered into her neck. 

“You too,” she said quietly. 

They lay there like that for a few moments, just enjoying the feel of the other. The bond was blown wide open, and Rey could feel his peace and contentment mirroring hers. He cupped her face and gently pressed his lips to hers in a chaste kiss. Rey quickly escalated things - grabbing a handful of hair and nipping his mouth. She moved a leg between his and rubbed it there, eliciting a moan. Encouraged, she reached under his waistband, finding his cock already hard and weeping as she ran a finger over the tip. 

Ben placed a hand over hers, stilling it. 

“I’ll never last if you keep doing that,” he said with a self-deprecating smirk. He shifted them so that his broad body covered hers, pressing their foreheads together with a sigh. She pulled him back down for a kiss. 

“So eager,” he murmured incredulously against her mouth, as though still not believing she was real. Through the bond, she could feel the direction of his thoughts - _don’t deserve this, don’t deserve_ you - which Rey attempted to silence by pressing another kiss to his mouth. 

“Hey,” she said softly. “Stop thinking so much. Just be with me.”

He nodded, mouthing at her neck. Rey assisted him in removing her top, pushing her pants down her hips. Completely bare, she watched as he did the same and without preamble, lined his cock up to her entrance and slid inside her. 

Rey winced at the slight sting - she hadn’t quite been ready - and Ben froze. Through the bond she felt his worry and regret, and underneath it all, the ever present self-loathing. He began to withdraw and Rey hooked her ankles around him, trapping him there.

“It’s okay,” she reassured him, tracing a finger over the scar she’d given him. Where she’d marked him as hers. “Just give me a second.” 

She pulled him down for another kiss, which he eagerly returned. She gasped when she felt a saliva-wet finger reach between them and begin circling her clit. 

“Good, that’s good, Ben,” she gasped, bucking against his touch and encouraging him to move. His dark eyes never left hers as he withdrew slightly and then pushed back in. 

“You’re so good,” she moaned against his mouth, his hips beginning to set a brutal rhythm as he thrust. The bond open as it was, she was overwhelmed with sensation, of simultaneously being fucked and also feeling her own tight, wet heat around him. His fingers on her clit were a live wire, and she was quickly pushed over the edge into an all-encompassing orgasm. 

Ben was dragged under with her, his moans ragged against her neck as he thrust into completion. They held onto each other through the aftershocks, neither willing to let the other go. 

He finally withdrew, flipping them over and arranging her so she was draped across him. Rey sighed contentedly, burrowing against him. 

“Ben,” she said urgently, the events of the day suddenly rushing back to her. Before the bond disconnected them she had to warn him. “They’re planning a mutiny, some of the officers. They’re going to try and get rid of you.”

“I know,” he said simply, his fingers gently stroking her back. “Of course I know.”

“What?” Rey frowned, raising her head off his chest so she could look at him. “What do you mean, you know? What are you doing about it?”

She felt him stiffen. “Don’t worry what I’m doing about it. You clearly weren’t worried when you left me here. What do you think the Resistance is working towards, anyway? I’d think you’d be relieved to have some of the work done for you.”

Rey glared at him. “Stop that. You know I don’t feel that way.” It was probably a bad time to bring up the conversation she’d had with Leia, but it might be the only chance she’d have for awhile. 

Rey took a deep breath. “Your mother has a message for you. She wants you to come home.” 

Even without the bond she’d be aware of the maelstrom of emotions coursing through him - anger, guilt, sadness, and underneath, hope. His eyes, as always, gave him away. She could understand why he’d once worn a mask.

“She knew already,” she said quickly, taking his hand. “I don’t know how, but she just knew. And she wants her son back.”

“Her son is dead,” he said roughly. 

“That’s not true,” Rey said quietly, soothingly rubbing her thumb on the back of his hand. “I’m looking at him right now. I’ve never wanted Kylo Ren - just Ben Solo.” 

“We’re one and the same, Rey.” She expected him to pull away from her, so she was encouraged when he didn’t. 

“I want you here, too,” she said softly, her vision blurring with tears. It was so frustrating how easily she cried these days. 

It was that moment when the bond began to fizzle out. Ben’s hand tightened in hers, as though he could keep her there. His hand, so warm and corporeal, then faded away to nothing, and she was alone once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said I'd post weekly, but that plan obviously fell through! I hope to start posting a lot more regularly now. Thanks so much to everyone who's reading! Please let me know what you think :)


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